Monday Morning Blues

When I was in class V-E I used to hate going to school. The very thought of school was a nightmare. Here is what actually happened to me.
SCENE I-(DREAMING)
Last Sunday night I was really tired as I had stayed up late and watched the film called” THE CELL”. When the film was over I walked clumsily to my bed and, without undressing, flopped on the pillow and fell asleep. I dreamt away in fantasy land. A conversation with GOD.
GOD: What is the problem my child? You seem very disturbed!
ME: My studies! They make me feel that the inside of my head is hollow. Maths, Hindi! Terrible, useless subjects. My life has become a funeral with Maths. Oh GOD, please help me… save me from the depths of insanity.
GOD: Ok, my child, I’ll help, I think I’ll turn you into Bryan Adams playing rock.

Tringg……Tringg (Alarm bell)
SCENE II-(SCHOOL ASSEMBLY PLAY GROUND)
ANAND SIR: Beta, are these black shoes you are wearing or am I going blind…. Surely, I think you need a class on school rules!
ME: Umm sir, actually today we had the school choir and our music teacher forbids us to wear white shoes on the stage.

ANAND SIR: Take them off….I don’t care. I’ll send them to your class after this period.
ME: Please sir, I’m sorry. It won’t happen again. But all the pleas go in vain as I am left in my socks. My friend, Shreya, giggles and Anand sir turns to her.
ANAND SIR: And you, Shreya, where is the hem line of your skirt going? Next time it will be your turn.
And with this threat Anand sir walks off to torment someone else which gives Shreya plenty of time to talk on a topic which only worsens my day.

SHREYA: Hey! These tests are a real pain in the neck!
ME :( without commenting on her statement, read “pain in the neck”) Test!! What test?!!
SHREYA: What day is it today, miss know –it-all?
ME: Hmm! Let me see. I went to watch “KOI MIL GAYA” on Friday and then there was that rather short weekend so that makes today MONDAY. Oh no! Today’s Monday test. This cant be. Nobody told me.
SHREYA :( giving me an exasperated look) as I say, Mondays are hell.

ME: Oh my GOD! Where is the clinic, I need to rush. I possibly cannot give the test.
Out of nowhere I hear the voice of my class teacher.
CLASS TEACHER: I heard that Soven. You know that I am a very caring teacher and get very anxious over unauthorized and unexplained disappearance of my students…. Especially during tests. Also I presume you have an equally good idea as to what action I might take to relieve my anxiety. So you better spare me the torture. Unless you really want to be sent into safer hands. I look forward to seeing you in the class. ALL THE BEST to you.

ME: (sheepishly) Y… YES ma’am.
SCENE III-(IN THE CLASS)
After the test I walked back, completely shoeless, to my class. I found that my shoes were on the teachers table. I wore them thankfully.
ENGLISH PERIOD-Enters Mrs. DEEPA SAWHNEY living up to the name of an English teacher. She walks in with an aroma of mystifying fragrance. Her beautifully lined eyes and highly sophisticated demeanor somewhat soothes the class.

DEEPA MAM- Good morning class! It feels so stuffy in here. Children, open the windows and let the air in.
Giggles erupt from the class.
DEEPA MAM- I remember assigning the class some homework. Write a paragraph on “HARRY POTTER” wasn’t it? Why don’t you start, Arunabh? And read aloud, please.
The morning is spent reading our paragraphs. Then-
DEEPA MAM-(smiling) It’s a well done job and my good wishes are with you. Keep it up and may you continue to write like you have today.

Tringg…. Tringg (BELL)
The day progressed and it sure wasn’t lucky for me. Here is how it went-
NITI MAM-Ok, class, now who can tell me why our earth is round? Why don’t you volunteer, Soven?
OK, so I dint know the answer. Here’s how I goofed up-
ME: I think, Mam, just the way a ball is round, so is the earth.
Boy was I in need of a geography lesson. If looks could kill Niti Mam would already have me in my grave. And this is how she replied-
NITI MAM- Just the way a ball is round so is the earth. Your marks for this subject will be round.

I stared open-mouthed as my classmates jeered at me. But the real nightmare was science.
ME: Oh, it’s so hot! I think there should be a ban on talking about Africa when it’s so hot! When are the rains coming?
MANAS AND YAJUR: (in unison) Shhh…. Here comes NEHA SAXENA MAM.
NEHA MAM- Good afternoon class! Today we shall discuss inland water ways of Africa. Take out your books and copies.
And with that Neha Mam looked at the board. Then she said-
NEHA MAM-Why is the map of Africa hanging upside down?
Nobody had noticed this and the silence made Neha Mam furious.

NEHA MAM-Ok, all of you, stand with your hands touching your knees and look at the map upside down.
Oh boy! This is jolly hard. Then in came the principal who did not at all seem surprised to see the class look like ducklings washing themselves. But he did set the map right and the class was allowed to swivel their heads back on their shoulders.
PRINCIPAL SIR-(pulling a tie from his pocket) Ok, does this belong to anyone?

CHORUS-No, sir!
But you see it is very difficult to hide a tie less shirt.
PRINCIPAL SIR-Ok, Soven Trehan, listen for the last time. Even if it is very, very, hot ties are supposed to stay around necks, UNDERSTAND?
So it was a long day at school which, finally, neared its end. Looked like I was steeped in misfortune. The sun was getting brighter and brighter as if grinning at me.
ME: GOD, why does this happen to me? But I guess in the eternal words of Bryan Adams” These are the best days of my life”. Yo!


George Bush was once a cheerleader!

Dating back to the 1600's thermometers were filled with brandy instead of mercury